Dear Felicia

 

“The only difference between myself, and other people who suffer from bipolar, is that my grandeur is not a delusion” – Emperor Shana Genever

 

Dear Felicia

 

The last month has been an absolute rollercoaster. I say this, fully aware of the danger-zone I enter of corny clichés and ou-mens gesprekkies. I do not live in fear of your spilt milk, aunty Merle. Spilled semen is far more daunting.

But like the broken condoms of my youth, I bring a dire conclusion that may rub you up the wrong way.

So I shall offer a disclaimer first, before telling you this series of unfortunate events.

Yes, Ek le mennie jiek-its.

Cos my flaring blister clump is aggravated by the one medication I can take to silence my mind.

I am Bipolar, and that isn’t a joke about 7nde Laan.

And as last week I stood in JafMed in Ottery for my new prescription, and an update on my herpes meds too…

Realising that I was now on chronic pills for both ends of my body, and to be honest, both sides of my personality [my head and my poes], the Muslim-farmstall hybrid retarded cousin that works the counter at the pharmacy gave me a look that said “Haha, if you have an STD and Bipolar… Does that make you the true definition of a Mal-Naai?”

 

Yes. It certainly does, Tariq.

 

Now please ring up my Xanex, and this Fruity-bubbalicious.

 

 

But, Felicia, I have not even touched on what has had me in and out of therapy since my last letter to you.

[You know, the one about the boyfriend, the love boat and the diarrhoea- I will address this, hold on]

 

And in the true spirit of obsessive compulsive disorder, which also lurks in the chambers of my mind…

And to answer the questions in your mind, about where I have been, where I am going….

And why the fuck I keep calling you Felicia…..

 

 

First, I have to offer you the usual:

 

Context:

Now Felicia, please bear in mind that my offering this time is of a different nature. You may have to digest the many points and tangents piece by piece. I am going to be long-winded, more so than usual.

But I feel I owe you an explanation.

I owe a lot of my healing to you.

I hid in the bathroom, muffling my receiver.

“Hi, I’d like an appointment with Dr. George. Yes, Wednesday is fine. No, I am on a new medical aid. Yes, Bipolar…”

The door squeaked and I kept quiet, obviously confusing Fagmieda the medical secretary. But she was used to talking to taaties.

“Sorry, I lost reception… Which is funny because, you know… you’re a receptionist”.

“Sorry?”

“Sorry. Never mind“, I was talking a klom nervous kak.

I was in the bathroom at the office.

You know you’re embarrassed when you operate under the guise of taking a professional kak.

 

Okay, let’s back track.

 

  1. I cannot perfect the art of public bowel movements, like the popular girls did at high school. I vividly remember the “Do you popo? Im not bung to say I popo” conversations I had to endure, from the bitches who were cool about everything. Too hip to be virgins.

2. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and OCD in 2008. This is years before post-natal depression kicked in, but definitely related.

I have mused about my time in Crescent Clinic, and the life thereafter of potential-less suitors I endured in my bouts of medicated/Un-medicated bliss[ters].

And was put back on my medication when on a particular evening in 2011, my dad caught me addressing myself in the mirror: Honourable Shana. I do not recognise you.

 Sidney was 1.

I was lonely.

 

Then, I met Lyle.

And the rollercoaster experienced turbulence, Felicia.

I Iost my mind.

I lost myself.

 

Somebody wanted me.

I did not want Sidney.

 

I fell pregnant with Syria-Rose at the end of 2013.

 

This meant two things:

  1. I had purposefully impregnated myself less than six months after having an abortion.

I laid for many nights dreaming of sitting in Mitchell’s Plain’s MOU, spread eagle in the morgue, getting the life sucked out of me.

When I woke up in cold sweats, I didn’t blame my bipolar. I blamed my conscience.

It has taken me years to enjoy eating biltong again without gagging at the smell.

 

“Mommy, I need to tell you something. Please don’t laugh”.

My mother lifted the eyebrow of judgement.

“Mommy… it’s happening again. The window is talking to me and it wants me to throw Rose out of it.”

 

 

  1. I had to stop taking my bipolar medicine.

When Rose was born, and I was left alone with her in the three months of maternity leave, I had relapsed to the point of supergluing all our upstairs windows shut.

Lyle and I had broken up for the last time, when he gave me a hiding at her baptism and I had made my last excuse through swollen lips.

[He also stole Bob Martins from Hyper, which was the actual last straw that broke my back, before he did.]

And then, I started blogging.

 

And we met, Felicia.

 

And I had someone to listen to me.

A friend.

 

Someone to help me remove the screwdriver from my heart.

And we took a break from each other when I couldn’t bear to see the sun come up on a day that Lyle didn’t exist.

 

And in the midst of all of the silent commotion, and trying to be a mother, woven together… I left you Felicia… And found the love of my life.

And Herpes…

[But mainly, the love of my life…]

 

And this, brings us to the present day.
This is where our story actually begins.

And Felicia, I am here to tell you that is where our journey together must end.

……………….

 

 

“Shana Genever, you are cordially invited to join me aboard the blah blah boat for a Valentine’s Day Couple’s Cruise…Do you accept my invitation?”

 

Is die bra befok?

 

I couldn’t find my land legs when that message came through.

 

If only he knew last year I spent the day with Diarrhoea, nursing a broken heart and rectum. Now he wanted to throw me in the deep-end, off the love boat.

“Okay…”

We got onto the vessel at 9pm, arms intertwined.

I felt my chastity belt loosen beneath my belly button.

The sermon from the Passion concert the night before resonated in my conscience…

And in silence, I recollected every single romantic gesture a man has ever executed… That took about seven seconds… of coming up empty.

“Die is n man van die here…. Die is n man van die here…..” I repeated in my head… Suddenly realising that my inner voice sounded a hell of a lot like my mother…

 

[Which was contraception enough]

 

And I went through the motion [Yes, of the ocean] in awe of seeing a man pull out all the stops with no expectation.

Pity he didn’t try though, those bands would have made me dance.

I was ready to sneak down into the captain’s toilet and bend over the basin.

There was hoekal turbulence…

And then he looked at me and said the words that made me know that this wasn’t like anything I had ever experienced before.

“Shana…”

I sipped the non-alcoholic champagne, looking through the window. Why was I shy for a man that I had known for six years?

We were friends. We weren’t supposed to be smiling this much.

With a very messy launching pad, we were on dangerous ground [or waters, shut the fuck up].

But it never felt wrong.

“Would you be the Rose Dewitt Bukater to my Jack Dawson?”

“Huh?” I destroyed the corny moment, as expected of course.

 

Oh. I get it. Boat reference. Fuck.

“Would you stand at the helm of this vessel called us and navigate this ocean of life with me?”

 

I could have drowned in my own cum.

The next week I found out I had herpes and phoned him at work to cry, but in essence, still a lovely little moment.

 

When trying to be absolutely edgy it is counterproductive to be absolutely in love. I learnt this the other day staring into the very brown eyes of my other 1/4. [I am now split into four, not two.., that’s what you get for having multiple children out of gridlock… or something].

“Shana, I love you so much I want to take clouds out of the sky for you… “

My immediate reaction precipitated out from my parted lips… “You a bunny ma se poes”.

… Like Celine Dion scripted my life, with the help of her father, or uncle-husband or whatever the fuck we are pretending that relationship wasn’t.

I burst out laughing.

This fucking man is ready to contribute to global warming if it pleases me. When did I get here?

It is a good place to be.

……

 

I sat on my knees in my room, looking at my children.

I couldn’t stop crying.

But when I saw Doctor George, and he medicated the fuck out of me, I gained a new perspective on what I needed to do to take the next step in my Life.

I needed to Let Go.

The Hoe is a time-capsule, and I have had to say goodbye to her, to Lyle, to the bad memories. I have to take my meds, raise my kids, and I have to look forward.

But Felicia, writing to you, I am looking back.

 

And I have figured it out.

 

 

Felicia, the last thing that has to go is you.

This is my new life now, and if I don’t give it the chance it deserves, or the privacy it is owed, I fear it may not go as God intended.

 

I need to let you go.

 

And you also need to grow.

You’re the aunty that no one eats from. The old lady drinking with the owner at Atmosphere.

[I remember thinking that these women are the same age as my mother. I firmly believe if the people in the club feel weird lighting their entjies in front of you, out of respect, you probably shouldn’t be there.  Atmosphere came with many perks, however. My little group from Pelican Heights was well known, and I was thin and young and desirable. [We will not discuss the one occasion my mom dropped me in front of the doors, and shouted ‘take care of my baby’ as she drove off– or after the foam party when I walked into Narrans, not knowing that I had foam on my boots, and wondering why Sulaiman kept giving me the ‘haai shame’ side eye over the counter]. But like Atmosphere, and my teens, and my days of Jintu, everything must come to an end].

 

And now Felicia, this is where we stand.

FOMO and all.

It’s not you, it’s me.

I am just not the same anymore.

…………..

 

Dad: “…Nou wiet Riyaahd jy’t herpes?’

Me: “Yes daddy, he knows”.

Mom: “En die Bipolar goed?”

Me: “Yes mommy.

 

Silence. They stare at each other.

Dad: “Jy bieter nie met die man trou nie, hy klink befok”.

 ….

 

So, Felicia….

Bye.

 

 ………

You ladies better get your PHDs

Get off the internet, your life is waiting for you.

 

You are better.

You are stronger.

 

Shana

 

[I want you all to know that you have been my rock, my family and my support system through this entire journey. Being ‘The Hoe’ has become bigger than I ever imagined, and before my ego is dependent on the attention I have received from my journey, and my need to help women, I feel the need to retract. I am no longer in my dark space. I want to look forward, and find new avenues that focus on women who are.

And I want my work to include Jesus.

This is why I can no longer use the platform of my old life, I have been renewed, mentally , spiritually and physically, and it is time to pay it forward.

Am I still going to write?

Yes.

But as Shana.

And when I do decide to give Shana her debut, I hope all of you are there to listen to her.

If not and my journey has ended with you right here, I still want to extend my utmost gratitude, for your shares, and likes and all your love.

I hope my story shows you that you are never too deep in the dark to see the light.

I love you.

 

Just a hoe with babies

Hoe 2.0 Easter keer wat ek vir April voel. Hidden eiers- and the trouble with my wait.

“Bitch I’m back, by popular demand”

When you have herpes but you still wanna get in formation.

Disclaimer: If you have landed here in the hopes of finding out of place vulgarity, please divert to my old works. Jesus has warned that I may no longer acknowledge naaiers with my New Testaments.

If you are looking for synonyms for the word naaier, you are also in the wrong place. It is on my to do list, though, ironically, I have done many naaiers.. and I have filled my quota.

In this instance, quota is a synonym for poes.

It truly is a complicated little vocabulary I possess.

 

And now that all the pussy naaiers have left because I have offended them….. let’s get to it:

This blog was scheduled to drop on April 1st.

On the eve of the most pointless day of the year, as I logged on to grace the world [approximately 5000 mense] with the my latest sarcastic quip, Mr. Fuckerberg informed me via badly worded automation that I had been abusive and was banned for the next three days.

Just like my Lord and saviour. So I accepted defeat.

Except, that I feel the need to tell you that it was not some sort of prank or ploy.

As the only worthy April Fool’s prank is ‘I’m Pregnant’ [and ya’ll know my fertile ass ain’t playing], I fumed.

My sinner-names were flying out my mouth with reckless abandon.

But as promised, below is the inner-workings of my brain, my life- and in some instances, my diseased vagina.

I’m still waiting for Dr. Lagardien to call and admit that she was just part of an elaborate prank, and the last few months weren’t real.

“Shana, sien jy daai liggie daar? Daai’s n Kamera’.

And everyone will laugh while Lyle emerges form a cupboard, with Leon Schuster…. and a cheque for R50,000.
The thought is refreshing….

Except…….
I’m then still itching?

——–
I was stuck with my hands in the air. And for a second, I stood in absolute silence, glad for two things:
1: My boyfriend wasn’t here to see this mortifying moment.
2: Gadieja that said I couldn’t take more than six items into this fokken changing room had no idea that behind this red door, I was stuck head first in an extra-large.

Regardless of my new year’s resolution to embrace my curves and other things fat people say when they know they are about to surrender to their gluttony, I started banting for the last three months.

I have lost 14 kilograms.

And I was ready to dress my new body, kak brekerag after getting my Easter weekend overtime money.

Unfortunately, losing 14kgs, in Mr Price sizes, translates to: Foetcheck you still a XXL.

And as my inflated budget still didn’t allow anything from Woolworths and beyond, standing with my hands in the air ‘like this dress gon’ tear’, I was wholly convinced that I was still going to purchase this frock, and Vaseline.

And Vicks, for my imminent injuries.

I had two options.

Knock on the door with my elbow and let the minimum wage staff help me evacuate the non-designer denim.

Or phone my mommy.
My mind suddenly invoked Lyle.

“Lyle, you know for all the kak you put me through, if you could just find it in your heart to get me out of this fokken dress unscathed I will forgive you. Im raising your child my bru… one fokken miracle…… “

And of course, my dress remained above my head.

The nigger is consistent.
Regardless, I was well aware that my feet could be seen in the bottom gap of the door, penguinning. I tried to keep my feet natural while I deciphered the situation,

and my life.

‘Maybe I can just break it and pay for it. But then how would I explain what happened?’ – my thoughts were starting to become irrational.

I was panicking.

But I am a motherfucking soldier. I swung my free lower arm and yanked the dress, my headband and the skin from my shoulder almost through the fokken mirror. But I was free…. practically unscathed, save for dry lines on my side. I looked like I entered the magical stall of Narnia and ended up at the beach.

Just me, the sand and my surviving five garments. Living off the land for the remainder of my days.

Safe from Gadieja and her rules.

But this got me thinking deeper, of course.

I was in this stall, in this situation, because I wanted to compete with other women [I refuse to cloud my insecurities in bullshit].

One too many Hashtag goal memes had me feeling absolutely grotesque, especially while I was premenstrual.

I did what any insecure woman does. I kakked out my boyfriend for something he did in theory, and went shopping.
—–

I knew from a very young age that I didn’t fit in with women. When the thin kinnes kept making me scary spice, I realised after the fifth occasion of me doing the pantsula at the back of the group, out of the view of the audience, that I wasn’t ever going to be accepted.

‘You can’t sit with us’.
[I also didn’t own a Von Dutch sweater] and I had to stand at the back of the toilet line at school because I was the biggest [which, let me tell you, doesn’t indicate the size of one’s bladder- or ego], I stopped trying to flash my ovaries in cliques.

Well, sort of.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t the bitch with the light pink headband that called your boyfriend boeta. But in Standard six when my first friend Nicole said, ‘Shana, we don’t want to sit with you cos you not our type’, something changed within my soul.

But_

I remember a carefree time when I wasn’t quite as self aware, though.

At college in my first year I had also lost loads of weight.

I was a film student and aspiring actress in 2006.

I am fuzzy on the exact details because of certain contributing factors, all relating to Stroh Rum, but I remember that a group of us were playing truth or dare with the third years.

I found it all riveting.

We were away for the weekend on a film shoot to assist them on their final movies. We were the untouchable greenies, but these guys were lamming with us and there was kissing and nakedness.

And when it came to my turn, I was dared to walk outside topless.

Feeling confident in my pre-childbearing physique, I removed my top and didn’t quite get the reactions from the crowd I had hoped for.

Still confident, I completed the dare and walked outside.

And in the moment that defined my self confidence as an adult woman, I saw my friend look away as one of the older females whispered, ‘She really is bets for anything hey, shame’.
Now, breathe.
Recover from dying for me a little.

Okay.

The thing is, I don’t like other women.

I simply do not relate to them. I am not affectionate, and I am not a sharer. I am awkward and unsavioury, regardless of how hard I try to refine my behaviour. This personality flaw became ever so apparent more than ever this week, when in an attempt to I assume, bond with me- a colleague swooped into the circumference of my [very] personal space to hug me.

What ensued was a combination of Brazillian fight dancing and ‘the robot’.

I vividly remember spreading my arms apart at different widths, in quick succession, just looking at my wrists hoping they would fall into default hug position.

After 3 seconds, which let me tell you is a lifetime in the hug-zone, we both realised we looked like we were preparing to pounce each other.

We laughed politely, but that wasn’t enough apparently. She needed more.

She leaned in for what I assumed was a friendly cheek kiss of the french people and then my fucking automatic hug arms that I so longed for three seconds ago sprung up in tardy fashion, having me in a kissing embrace with the woman I sort of know from the third floor.

Fuck.

Why am I telling you this?

It has come to my attention, mainly on Facebook [where the majority of the country goes to get their news updates], that even in 2016, we are still shaming each other and competing for boys. [We are also still drawing on our eyebrows, but I will dedicate an entire entry, at a later stage, to the sisters using their powers for evil.]

In one particular instance that had me standing on my head like a Whatsapp emoticon [ and that one time in Pringle Bay], I came across a live debate between two high school females, that threw me back to circa 2005.

A young girl named Britney and a typical group of Badroenisas were engaged in a non-scholarly debate about why Britney’s boyfriend, who happens to be a few years her senior, posted a pic of Britney and himself in a compromising position.

Now, I am no advocate for child pornography, and I will not make excuses for the people involved, but the main focus this day was not on the fact that this man was penetrating this child daily, or even that he was proud enough to put his illegal acts on social media…

The group of girls, and even some women who were older than the clique, were insulting Britney because in the particular image, she had a hole in her panty.

And this, even from grass roots level, tells you everything you need to know about women.

“OMG Britney, how can you look so basic when you being molested? Lmimp #GetNewUnderwear”

Basically: IDFWU
Women have never liked me.

Now, besides the approval and sisterly camaraderie I received from my beloved readers, I need to address that the internet is a Fanta-bubble.

I can revel in the delicious comments from women who relate to me all day, but at some point I have to admit to myself that the Facebook attachments and achievements I have are the equivalent of monopoly money.

But my real life friendships leave much to be desired.
I have five real life friends.

I saw one of them the other day, and as we reminisced about our AFDA days, she reminded me of why I am happy with my tiny circle.
[She also reminded me of a the time used to freeze vodka in small packets to pretend Im eating a bompie in class… and the time I broke the vending machine in the cafeteria because I was gesyp, and I stole all the cigarettes and gummy bears. And perhaps the time I got so drunk in Claremont main road that on the walk from Cubana to Stones, I peed down my legs………….

………..but again, this is not that story]

She reminded me that even though I missed out on sharing lipgloss and pretending to be a lesbian on the dance-floor, I also missed out on backstabbing, and skinnering

…..and jealousy.

[I didn’t miss out on stealing burks though, I have been at both ends of that spectrum…. Hoekal currently enjoying the benefits]
———–

“Shana Genever, you are cordially invited to join me aboard the blah blah boat for a Valentines Day Couple’s Cruise…Do you accept my invitation?”

Is die bra befok?

I couldn’t find my land legs when that message came through.

If only he knew last year I spent the day with Diarrhea, nursing a broken heart and rectum. Now he wanted to throw me in the deep-end, off the love boat.
“Okay…”
We got onto the vessel at 9pm, arms intertwined.

I felt my chastity belt loosen beneath my belly button.

The sermon from the Passion concert the night before resonated in my conscience…

And in silence, I recollected every single romantic gesture a man has ever executed.. that took about seven seconds… of coming up empty.
“Die is n man van die here…. Die is n man van die here…..” I repeated in my head… Suddenly realising that my inner voice sounded a hell of a lot like my mother…

[Which was contraception enough]

And I went through the motion [Yes, of the ocean] in awe of seeing a man pull out all the stops with no expectation.

Pity he didn’t try though, those bands would have made me dance.

I was ready to sneak down into the captain’s toilet and bend over the basin.

There was hoekal turbulence…
And then he looked at me and said the words that made me know that this wasn’t like anything I had ever experienced before.

“Shana….”
Shit, I ran out of time.

Wys you next week,…

Or month….

Or whenever I lus, get a life…
I don’t need a PHD to know that I’m going to be taking Epsom salt baths for the rest of my life.
I’d still rather pop my cluster of toet blisters than hug you.

I am better
I am stronger

Hoe 2.0

Just a hoe with babies

Hoe 2.0: My week in review: A view of my weak rear

“Jou toet gat nog uitval”- My eloquent mother, presumably referring to my many pregnancy scares, lack of wearing underwear and other general hygiene concerns.

My mother always had a sixth sense.

Like most of the years prior to 2016, I was thrown a curve-ball of note when I finally dragged my thread-dangling poes to my mother’s female doctor earlier this week.

And again, my life was changed forever.
As always, context:

In the beginning of the month of love, I woke up with a burning sensation massaging my recently chaste play area.

My celibacy vow more than a year strong, I felt confident that for the most, a spider had made its home in my warm moisture.

One can only hope.

Regardless, after my acidic urine resulted in our puppy laden two-ply removing my skin [Because you know, you can’t wipe an old trick with new dogs- or something], I did what any responsible adult woman in her late twenties does…

I showed my mommy.

Now, I have been plagued by bladder infections for most of my adult life, which I assumed was the result of letting niggas hit it raw in dingy bathrooms one too many times. [I never sat on the toilet seats though, how awfully common].

“Nee fok Shana, jy bieter Dr Lagardien toe”.

Dr. Lagardien practices in Lenteguer, so I held out for a few more days, walking on my toes at work, and dabbing strategically, after holding my piss for Guinness.

Then, I remembered that I had had these symptoms before…. a few times, when I had dated a man who wasn’t so selective with his screening process….

……………………………………….

“Good Morning baby”

Lyle looked at me from the lower side of our blow up mattress. At this point I wasn’t tired of our Cape Flats romance. The air wasn’t thick, and the sagging Aerospace was evidence of that.

Now, at the time, the lack of money, food and friends left very few activities, but luckily for me, he was ‘easily entertained’. My days were spent building core strength while attempting different positions on a bouncy house.

I used to be so toned.

We usually ended up settling for the floor or kitchen counter, though. [It isn’t mossag if you don’t have dite]

Regardless, the debauchery was delightful.

But apparently, the party continued whenever I left for work.

At the time, I was the Editorial Assistant for a large company in the CBD. I worked very long hours and he had the entire day to himself to not cook, or clean, or contribute anything besides piel.
[This is a story I have never divulged, but it informs the core. It is not funny. It is not for entertainment purposes. It merely is what it is.]
One day at work, I fell ill.

Very, very ill. 

My insides were burning, uncontrollably.

I walked around for a while and when I surrendered and went to relieve myself in the ladies room, the blood trickled down my leg.
I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mommy.

Now, never being one to take the day off, my boss didn’t think twice about excusing me early from the office. I tried to call Lyle, but went to voicemail numerous times.

The drive home was excruciating, but at that point, I didn’t know what pain was.

Midday traffic prolonged the journey just enough for me to arrive home and find a private party in full swing[ers]…

I will never forget the smell of Turry that came through our bedroom window.

They both looked up at me… The aerospace was the only thing in the room not completely frozen….
…………………………………..

….. “Nee fok Shana, jy bieter Dr Lagardien toe”.
Ma. Se. Poes. 

I emailed my boss that I would be in late, and messaged my new boyfriend- saying that I was going to have my elusive vagina examined.

And as we are both born again Christians who avoid anything Jesus wouldn’t do, this was not how I planned to introduce my vagina… as a whole.
“Baby, I’m not going to work, I need the doctor.
“What’s wrong baby still your bladder?”
“Yoh.. Insha’allah baby”.
I entered the surgery.
“Number 5, Haai is jy nie Genever se dogter nie?”

Oh Lord.
Two hours of sitting on my hip later, and I went into the consultation room, confident that I was overreacting.

“Hi Sharna… How is your mum? I haven’t seen you since you were a child. You look good”
“Thank you doctor”

After explaining that since being twelve I have had two kids, and I am still not married… I explained my symptoms.
“Well.. It sound like a UTI. Let’s have a look shall we?”
And as if on autopilot, I laid on the bed, knees up, spread eagle like a motherfucker.

Silence.

“Whoa, okay this is a game-changer” she whispered. “Get up, we need to chat”

Ironically, not the first time someone’s tune had changed while staring up my urethra, frankly….

 

…………………………

“Shana, have you been promiscuous in the past?”

I fought the urge to send her a link to my blog. “Not really doctor”…

“I used to date some-one who had very little regard for me though. He died.”

… But obviously, he can still hurt me.

………………………………….
I sat at the Passion 2016 conference watching the many different types of Christians that have been my punchlines for many, many years.

Never one to raise my hands in the air for anything, I felt a mixture of embarassment and fear. What if someone I knew saw me? My Jesus-Journey had been secretive for the past year.

Let me tell you why…

Who would believe me?

Now, bear in mind that I have spent the better part of the last 20 years working the pole like a run-away for your brothers, husbands, uncles and distant cousins for no other reason except that I wanted to. My life fell apart and I turned to the one man that I had made the butt of my jokes. So I was ashamed to say to my many readers, friends and even acquaintances that I had become a sell-out. A religious academic.

“Mommy, I gave my life to God”
“En jou toet?”

Good talk.

But yes, the change in my Facebook demeanor is directly related to a pact I made with God that I would change my life. If the fire in my loins are anything to go by… I have no desire to descend into total damnation [probably in the company of your brothers, husbands, uncles and distant cousin… Heads up]

The pastor spoke directly to me from his stage f0r two hours, about how the past was over. He proclaimed ‘Tetelestai!’, your sins are forgiven… leave your burdens at Green-point stadium.

I threw Lyle’s belongings I had taken with me into the bin outside the stadium. 

I felt free as I walked away.

 

I had followed the instruction, oblivious to the fact that a few days later my past sins would catch up with me.

‘Leave your sins here, you are free’ he said.

 

I suppose I should have kept the I-pod and thrown my poes in the bin instead. 

………………………

“Okay, this is a game-changer”

I put my panty back on and sat next to her desk.

“Don’t be alarmed… but it looks like you have Herpes Genitalis

The silence rang in my ears for what seemed like 15 minutes. 

Cupid’s Disease in February.

Look at that, a post-mortem Valentine’s Day gift. Themed and everything. I am a sucker for Irony.. and naaiers. 

“Do you now where you could have picked that up? scarring suggests you’ve had it for a very long time”. 

…………………………………..

They both stared at me through my bedroom window. Keeping a straight face on a bouncy house is very difficult, especially if you are both facing the same way. 

There was no condom wrapper on my floor. 

In autopilot I entered the house and ignored the situation completely. i had no scream in me. I remember going straight to the shower. Letting the warm water accompany my bloody urine.

Lyle laughed from the other side of the curtain.

“She left. Are you kwaad. I’m geroek man. Yoh I’m kak sorry”.

I dried myself, and went to lay on the couch. I found a clean blanket.

“I want you to leave”

“You juss. make me leave. Dnt go on for kak. We were smoking and I didn’t mean it… I smaak to take a naai”….. 

……………………………..

 

I contemplated revealing this part of my journey for a very long time. I sat down to write at least seven times. My friends and family who I confided in, told me that I would be judged if I spoke about the last few weeks.

But that’s the point of the vow I made two years ago, to help women. 

If knowing my story doesn’t warn you about the dangers of the men that lurk in the light, what will?

You wanna go for the abortion or catch the disease?

I’d rather you read about mine. 

I’ll take the judgement, the shame and the burn for both of us.

Tetelestai

 

I don’t have a pee [cos i’m bung]

I’m pretty sure you can see me in HD though [But that’s a different story]

 

I am better

I am stronger

 

Hoe 2.0

 

 

 

 

 

Just a hoe with babies

Hoe 2.0 Coming full circle. Contra-deception, and inserting the loop.

“Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks…”Nelson Mandela

 

Would you like to see your Facebook memories?

Oh Lord. Okay. Just one more hit, then I will disable this feature.

And there he is.

Sidney-Jonah, at around two-years old… sitting in his pram on Strandfontein sports field.

And there I am, next to my burke, watching my son die of heatstroke.

“Why didn’t you send that lighty with your taani them?”

You are only as good as the company you keep.

And between Dora, Thaiba and the son of Charra-American, I was obviously scraping the bottom of the kus-biere.

But this memory lyn is only for context.

Fast forward into the future, and Lyle is gone.

The venom he spat onto another man’s two-year old only exists at the back of my mind.

And his own two-year old sits without him, in her pram…

Preparing to meet my new boyfriend….
Relax.

I will explain shortly.
In my absence from the blogosphere, many transitions have occured, including my inner-self no longer dreading an imminent Valentines Day. [I will refrain from masturbating while watching ‘Love, Actually’. Unless Hugh Grant me forgiveness Lord].

Besides throwing myself into my feelings with wreckless abandon, my son started his ‘big school’ journey.

I dedicated a post to the trials of finding a fitting institution a while back. Every catholic school I applied to rejected the application on the grounds of ‘What’s his daddy’s name?’.

Apparently saying ‘I couldn’t hear his name over the club’s music’ was enough for a permanent Astigfirrulah.

 

“So, you don’t know anything about him?”

“Well, he had on a Kufiyah…. so…. just write Mogammat”. 

 

So semi-public school will have to do for the unforseeable future. As dim as it now seems.

In any event, the first day I was amped and ready for the tears my son would spill as I walked away from his explosion in slow motion. We made our way to the gates and he ran in front of me.

There is a certain pride you feel when your children show confidence.

The grade R section was sufficiently kitted out with a jungle gym, sand pit and scantily clad teacher.

I up and downed her. She looked sleg enough for sid to feel right at home.

“Baby, come take a picture with mommy?”

He looked appalled by my ludicrous request.

“Mama, you can go now I’m fine”

And that was it.

The final moment of babyhood.

In a matter of seconds I remembered taking him home from the hospital, wishing he would grow up and get to school. I thought about the years I left him with my parents, and saw him once a week. I thought about the nights I sat up and wished I never had a baby. I then thought about the moments I cried in my room, and my four year old walked up to me, held his arms around my neck and said, ‘We don’t cry mama… we are strong.. “ after I had left him to be with a man who abused me.

And I cried as I left the gates.

It’s his turn to go out there without me, now.

……………………………
Mom: “Moet jy nie nou jou periods kry nie?”

And that was the moment I realised my debaucherous living had not only traumatised me, but had also put my mother on perpetual menstruation watch.

Bel asseblief die Pussy-polisie. Shana het nie n fella- nie.

The transition into 2016 was unexpectedly romantic. Yes. My loins and icebox have been ignited, and not physically like that one time with the glue.

Apparently, the correct term isn’t relationshiT, but as I have told my newly acquired significant other, baby steps. [Oddly enough, this means, no more babies].

A transition of epic proportions, so soon after the death of my second child’s father, my move to courting a decent human being, after an array of secret add-naaierers has been tumultuous.

And as an act of respect to my loyal readers, I am going to do what I have been known to do for the better part of the last 12 months.

 

Below, for your perusal… everything:

 

Now, any good story needs to start from a ridiculously irrelevant background story.

In 2010, when I was pregnant with Sidney-Jonah. I was 128kg’s and trying to start a singing career on the Cape Flats.

Cringe.

Regardless, with the blind support of about seven members of the St. Phillips Catholic Church [Pre- ‘kruip in julle poes’ era], a group of praise-and-worshipers was started by the youth, and I was their husky vocalist.

I have always been drawn to the dark side, possibly the reason why I was the only pregnant and unwed member of the choir. [To the church I attended at the time, there was nothing kwaai-a bout me.]

Most of the members of my group were the spawn of the catholic elite, so we were allowed to use the facilities- even though I was part of the project.

I was well into my third trimester, when one of our members suggested we invite fellow artists from around Cape Town to collaborate on some music. We wanted to up our game, which I supposed meant network with artists, and you know, give birth.

I had big dreams for the next move. We had meeting after meeting and scoured the internet for likeminded youth. I was going to be the next Pam Andrews.

And after a few weeks, we settled on three naaiers from Eastridge.

What not to do, 101. [Yes, that was Pam Andrews joke. Apparently, you’re too young for me bro].

Their group’s name, ‘Contagious Few’. The name was contraception enough. Or so you would think. You know I love a challenge.

These were average boys from what my mind had isolated as the ghetto. I only liked vuilgatte from Ottery and up at the time. Being overweight, and over the wait to kak Sidney-Jonah, I didn’t even pay attention to the very attractive rapper/ producer who was a born again christian.

[Do I really need to stoop to wordplay regarding ‘born again’?]

I wasn’t completely oblivious to his boyish smile, and almost feminine eyes… and you know… fiance. I had had my fair share of ‘did you naai my burke?’ moments, and is borne that would have happened again.

Regardless, we made no contact other than music.

[Side Note: This mahn has been your friend since 2010. Thanks Facebook].

Years passed, with the odd ‘awe my bru, how is your life?’. And so we remained- almost strangers.

Then, life fell apart for us both.

His fiance cheated on him. Lyle was Lyle. And we exchanged a few messages about the pain of existence.

We grew closer, and in a moment of utter bliss…

He started dating my best friend.
[Let’s breathe.]

Woosah. Woosah.

Woosah a big poes? You are, baby.

In an unrelated incident [or so she would have one believe], my best friend of four years decided that she was no longer ‘ride or die’, and we parted ways. She started her own makeshift company, and now emulates my life as a B-character in her own spin-off show.

I noticed a lack of Facebook activity from Eastridge-boy and messaged a simple ‘Hey, how are you?’ …And we ended up at Canal walk on a platonic shopping excursion to discuss the demise of his relationships, and how the father of my child [and the love of my life] had recently been skewered.

I suppose close proximity, and his relentless messaging at ungodly hours regarding my well-being melted my frozen soul, or Elsa wouldn’t have agreed to a date.
I know that was a cheap shot. ‘Let it go…… Let it go………’.

Besides never being out with a man who had a job, I finally related to happier Beyonce songs. With my exes, in the back of my mind I always kept repeating ‘Drake wouldn’t treat me like this’.

I went from a tormented Rihanna to a jovial Spice girl.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.

“You know, we’re dating right?”
“You know I have two kids, right?”

*This is a developing story.
…….
Me: I met someone.
Mom: Nou wie is die ou?

Shows image.

Is die nie dinges se berkie?

Me: Sigh. It’s complicated.
Mom: Ne. Nou wiet hy jys n bitch?

Me: Ja, en n jintu.

Good talk.
…………….
Jonah hates my laptop.

On a particularly needy evening, he closed it while I was mid-work. My anger dissipated when I saw the look on his face, however.

“Mama, no work tonight”

I wish life was that simple.

I thought he was dozing off when he blindsided me, with emotions I haven’t felt since September.
“…………..is your boss a bully?”

The question, for once, left me perplexed. “Why would you ask me that baby?”

“He always makes you work. Morning night morning night….. Is your boss a bully like uncle Lyle?”
The question pierced my heart. 

Someone has been taking notes.
In the four years that I was with Lyle, jonah saw him hit me twice. Both of these instances occurred after Rose was born.

The demise of my self-respect was something my son was never supposed to see. And when I am ready, the details of being raped and beaten while my son slept next to me will be divulged, right here where I bear my entire soul… weakly.

But I looked at him, and for the first time I could make a promise that I was better, and stronger and would never put him in danger again. I recognised the maturity in me. I was no longer ‘Just a hoe’.

“No baby, he isn’t a meany. He pays me and I get to buy toys for you. And mommy will never bring a bully home again…”

“Promise?”

“I promise…”
“Mama…”, he asked me with his eyes closed…. ” and your new boyfriend? What is his name?”

“I told you baby, his name is…….”

 

 

I don’t need a PHD to tell you about my life. 
But, you didn’t think I’d give it all up on our first date did you?

I am Shana
I am stronger

Hoe 2.0

 

Just a hoe with babies

Intermission: Internal Mission

The look in my father’s eyes when he drove away from the home he built for his family almost 25 years ago was enough to silence me for several days.

And silence is not my forte.

The last time I couldn’t speak, the man I committed my heart to was murdered. And no words seemed good enough.

My throat refused to tolerate mediocre, polite expression.

I have changed in the last two months.

Some of these changes were conscious. Some merely evolution. But all were unavoidable if I was going to look forward, and no longer wish that 5 September 2015 had taken me with it when it left.

I have no intention of making you laugh.

I don’t really want you to feel anything.

I wasn’t even going to blog, but Guy Fawkes is a significant day for me. At least it was. As my entire life feels as if I should refer to it in past tense while I explore limbo.

In November 2012, I stayed in a little cottage in Lakeside. It was around the time of my mental honeymoon, and I remember being outside, hanging the washing, looking at Lyle through our bedroom window.

The fireworks on Muizenberg beach were visible overhead.

He looked up from whatever he was doing and saw me staring at him.

He smiled at me, and made his way through the kitchen to the front yard.

“So, are we getting married or what?”

I didn’t even take him seriously till he showed me the blue, tanzanite ring from Sterns.

I laughed and hit him.

“Are you versin?”

I had immediately forgiven every single thing he had done up until that moment.

“I was going to ask you at the beach but you looked kak reg through the window”.

He really understood me very well.

“You asking me to marry you in the yard? I’m wearing a tracksuit, Lyle”.

I remember this conversation verbatim.

We had argued earlier that day and he disappeared for an hour with my bankcard. I knew he was at Toad on the Road, though. Standard bank kept notifying me of his whereabouts.

“You still kwaad?”

I wasn’t.

“I don’t smaak for the beach. Light a enchie”.

And that pakkie Princeton accompanied us from the yard, watching the fireworks, to the crackling in the fridge… to the first time we made love as fiancés.

I didn’t know that in three years, the fireworks would be over.

….

The dreams are the most difficult part of this transition.

A few weeks ago I had an evening without the kids and took the time to reflect with a glass of wine, in the dark. I must have fallen asleep around ten.

I was back at Muizenberg High School, sitting in the quad.

My phone rang, and it was Lyle’s mother.

“Shana, they lied to us. Lyle isn’t dead. You need to get here and kiss him so he can wake up”.

I jumped up and when I looked up I was in Strandfontein, in the road next to his, but someone had built walls at every intersection.

I spent hours, in real time, trying to jump the wall to give Lyle the kiss of life.

I remember wondering if he would like my uniform.

When I woke up, for the first four seconds, I laughed, because I thought I had dreamt that everyone thought he was dead, and I was relieved that he wasn’t.

And then.

I didn’t get up that day.

Sidney came into the room a few times and I couldn’t speak to him.

I didn’t cry though.

I have felt hollow since the unceremonious Whatsapp from his mother, and I still hate Friday nights, because I have to wake up on Saturday mornings.

“Os moet pak Shana”, my mother was standing at my door with black-bags in hand.

I opened the one side of my big brown cupboard and reached over to the side that wouldn’t unlock.

I haven’t looked in this cupboard in two months.

This isn’t coincidental.

I dragged my hand across the wooden bottom of the cupboard, and grabbed blindly at the hoodies and beanies I stole from Lyle over the last few years.

I only noticed a few minutes in that I was holding my breath.

I stretched my hand a little bit further; expecting to grab a jersey and my fingers hits something hard and glassy.

In the last month of his life, Lyle showed up outside my garage and said he wanted to give me something.

“I want nothing from you, Lyle”.

He put his hand in his pocket and took out an I-pod.

The screen was cracked.

He was embarrassed.

I liked that he was embarrassed.

[I am embarrassed at writing this, at my desk. This is the first time I have cried in Milnerton].

“I know it’s old and stuff, but I put the Cranberries on it. You can listen on the bus or something”….

I declined thrice before taking it.

I closed the garage door before he left.

I pulled the I-pod from my cupboard.

[…”We’re not broken just bent…” on repeat in my ears at my desk, I had to take a break from writing this to you guys.]

I wanted to add the last email he sent me two days before he passed away, but that would mean I would have to read it again.

I hardly look directly at my screen when I type his name.

The cracked I-pod was a lovely metaphor.

I stuffed the black bag with everything I wanted to take with from my old life.

A black bag filled with things I never wanted from Lyle, is now the only black bag I packed to take with me.

[TBC]

To my readers: I haven’t written in a long time because I haven’t had anything worth saying.

I promised you that I wouldn’t speak about Lyle, but I overestimated my resilience. I am going to take a break for a while.

Indefinitely.

I want to come back to you with the same passion I felt when I started this a year ago.

I have forgotten my motivation.

I have forgotten a bit of myself, really.

And right now I cannot even try to plan a weekly 2000 words.

I don’t even know how I am going to speak to my kids today.

I don’t even know how I am going to survive the fireworks tonight.

Just a hoe with babies

Sin-girl Pair-hunting: Because you’re a heathen. And need a man.

“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.” 
― Albert Einstein

I am not Just a hoe.

I am just a hoe, with babies.

However, my babies seem to have gotten lost in my rants about my shenanigans as a not-so-chaste female.

My chastity belt slightly impaired in my teens, I have belted my lack of chastity for the sake of education, for the sake of venting… for the sake of clicks on my ‘trashy blog’.

But this is not the only reason.

The scenario is a staple in the minds of all single mothers.

I will bet my Sassa on it.

Those of us, who had a baby young, mainly due to discovering our vaginas in standard 6, will be able to admit to you [in a few more years] that we have all pictured ourselves at the edge of the kitchen table, staring at our adult children in awe.

Awe not.

In this fantasy, I am about ‘40 something’ years old.

And I am rich enough to have a really long motherfucking table.

I have purposefully held off on relationships for at least two decades… so I don’t look verniel by resentment and the perpetual checking of my partner’s Whatsapp.

[In my version… my hair has grown back… my vagina has refurbished its self to a prepubescent state… and I have lost approximately 20 kilos.]

Nothing smells like kak.

Nothing smells like mamok.

There is no porridge on my skirt.

And as I look at my kids, I have a tear in my eye as I realize that the years have passed and I have made it through.

And I say the words I have waited to say since I told my friends I couldn’t go with to gala because I had ‘responsibilities’….

 “I had you guys so young, but you were the best thing to ever happen to me…”

………………“Now foetcheck”.

Mama is out, bitch.

And so, we will recapture my youth and awkwardly jol at age inappropriate venues in Ottery industrial, while I rediscover the dangers of alcohol and dagga.

…and watever passes for MDMA’s in 2026.

And I will call up my home-girls and laugh as they tell me “Sorry babe, I can’t make it… the kids are going crazy”.

Bitch, fuck yo kids.

I was pregnant during the 2010 world cup.

I missed the drinking, the sex in Long Street. The exciting danger of human-trafficking on our doorstep.

Now, it is my time.

I feel it.

It is here.

 Wie Waka-Waka nou?

Naaiers.

As I sat down to pee last week Thursday, I was still half asleep when Sidney jumped from his bed and ran to the bathroom and jumped on me… mid stream, pushing me back and my urethra forward.

At this glorious moment my relief ricocheted off the bowl and ally-hooped onto my underwear, my leg… and my bathroom mat.

Golden memories.

And thus the metaphor for what happens to your life after you carry a baby in your womb.

Urine trouble.

‘Mama why is this so dirty?”

I felt my face drop to the floor of the man who was fixing my modem.

[..”Lewe Jesus lat die klong sy bek hou”…]

As we sat in the admittedly dusty double garage turned office of my IT guy, I immediately understood why while I was growing up, my mother randomly hit me in my bek whenever I spoke. I am raising a vile, outspoken critical asshole.

Dead lord I am raising a mini-me.

“Mama…..”

Inhale.

“Yes, baby? Just play on mommy’s phone baby…” He wasn’t buying into the diversion.

“But mama, this is so dirty.”

Okay.. . Maybe I can play this down.

“…What is dirty my boy? The table? “

Sidney’s look of concern at my blatant disregard for the obvious made me know we were at the point of no return.

The home-owner and I could no longer pretend we were momentarily deaf.

We looked at Sidney.

“The whole house is dirty mama”…. He lifted his hands to bring his point home.

“The whole house. Everything”.

Now I sit here like a naai, sans ma se poes modem… nat gepiss.

But my kids [this week especially] have put a damper on many relationships for me.

I.T and otherwise.

When the sheriff of the court stopped here the other day to deliver a summons from some or other institution I am never going to pay, he looked me up and down, but in a lekker way.

A black man with a white accent and a work vehicle.

I felt like I was on Generations.

He handed me the 500-page document about my slow-payer ass.

“Hey there.”

“Hi “ I said… keeping me harre-gat like my top of the barrel competitors.

He gave me a half-smile… Half ‘I could eat you’ look.

“How do I contact you?”

Fuck it. After a few exchanges I gave him my celly.

Hit me up, nigger. [Last time I said that, it was taken too literally… ]

“When are you available?”

I could have said anything.

This was my opportunity to be smooth.

I mean ma.. I have options. One Nigerian broe from Tinder wanted to take me for coffee or something.

I was living the life.

I pretended to mentally scan my schedule.

But before I could employ one of my usually witty, sexy retorts, I blurted: “Well, I have two kids and a full time job. I am never free. So I will have to let you know.”

And he really did try hard to hold his smile.

Before he pulled out…

… from my drive way.

This broe was 100% willing to naai me even though I am blacklisted and Edgars might send him to arrest me next. 

But children and a full time job was just too much….

Till we meet again my friend.

It has been a long day without your phone call.

REMEMBER KIDS: Not chaste= Not chised.

In any event, I took to Tinder to see what exactly I was missing out on.

And oh boy, have I missed being asked if I’m horny.

“Sorry babe, all my naked pics are on my ex’s memory card. Don’t think he will be releasing those to me any time soon. “

Men truly are fabulous.

And then, a good friend who happens to have a vagina in-boxed me a drunken: “Where you?’

I responded… and amidst the misspelling attributed to what I can only assume was a mouth full of Captain Morgan, I deciphered a distinctive…

“I dare you to come to Stargayzer.. I’m in love with you…”

Breathe.

Trauma.

You know what happened last time you engaged in intercuntinental activities.

The other two parties voted you out, and you watched from survivor-island while they utilized the immunity idol… [Inside joke. (haha) for my tot-laat-toe readers. If you’re new here… you should read the other posts too. Don’t half ass this relationship]

I reluctantly declined, and decided to tackle the devil I know: Piel.

“Hey Shana. Thanks for the match. How you?”

[Who the poes says thanks for the match? But I was willing to accept]

“I am good, thanks. What do you do for a living?

[Nog lang dinge praatie. Do you have money?]

“I am a music producer”.

Now, this could go two ways.

Either you being paid by Sony, or you a naai that works for TFG and goes home and plays with fruity-loops.

“I make beats. But just for me. Not getting paid yet though but just getting my stuff out there.”

Sigh.

“Oh okay, cool. And what’s your day job?”

I may have just been ‘Bye Felicia’d’ by a bra that doesn’t know the definition of the word ‘job’.

But wait…

[27 hours later].

“Hey. How you Shana?”

“Fine thanks. How you doing?”

“Just busy man. Sorry for only responding now. You have whatsapp?”

“I do, yeah. 06128……..”

Sometime later: “Shana, did you get my whatsapp message?”

“Hey sorry, yes I did. My son had my phone”.

“Oh.”

“Yeah the kids are going crazy here…

Hello?…

Hello?…..

… Now Foetcheck.”

I don’t have a PHD

“Hello?………”

I am just Shana

I am just fertile

I am just a Hoe… With babies

Just a hoe with babies

Chapter Two: Different strokes, for different medical aids.

“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” — Hussein Nishah

Shana, ko huistoe. Ek dink jou pa kry n stroke”.

The call came as I sat down at my desk around 6pm, my boss looking at me through his glass wall.

A stone’s throw away.

“Mommy, what do you mean?”

I knew exactly what she meant.

“Jou pa trek skief. “

I tried not to giggle, and avoided the urge to ask “since when is daddy gay?’…

My family isn’t very sensitive.

I jumped up and shouted across the office…

“I’m leaving. My dad is having a stroke”.

Post traumatic stress had me biet.

That means I was stressed about what to post during this trauma.. .

But there was no time for social me, dear.

I saw my boss mouth, “What more can happen to this girl?”

My bru. Jy mean.

I ran down the stairs and jumped into my car to anxiously… sit in traffic.

 You’d think after the 2015 I’ve had, I would have installed a siren and emergency light by now.

“fok.fok.fok.fok.fok.fok.”

I called my sister:

“Sonya, daddy is having a stroke. He’s gonna die”.

“You need to calm down, Shana”.

 Okay.

I called the crèche.

 

“Hey teacher, are the kids…….”

“Hey Shana, they with your mommy”.

 

Silence.

“What?”

Mid-stroke, my parents had made the joint decision to first fetch my children…

The logic, I believe was in the event of my father’s death or more inconveniently… his admittance to hospital… nobody had luss to still go back to Strandfontein and fetch the lighties.

 

My sister arrived at the hospital first.

Before my mommy and daddy.

By the time I had gotten there, my father was Jacob-Straight-up in the waiting room, my mother was in the car feeding my children, and my sister was lamming next to my daddy, chatting on Whatsapp.

[DO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS THINK THIS IS A GAME?]

“What’s happening?” [I decided against asking if they were all jus]

“Niksie, haai… hoeko is jy soe dramatic?”

I could feel that familiar poes-tingling that I get from baby-daddies and admin workers.

I went to my mother in the car:

“Mommy, what is going on? How could you fetch the kids first?”

 

And just like that, we went from zero to 120… “HOEKOM MOET JY ALTYD N FOKKEN SCENE MAAK?  [angry whisper] Ek try my fokken bes met jou fokken kinnesjy fokken…” I closed the car door.

I decided to rather go to my dad… before we were banned from another emergency unit, as a team.

“Ek is oraait my darling.”

I wanted to punch my father and induce something.

“Daddy… the people at work are gonna stop believing me. Are you having a stroke?”

The nurses had sent him back to the waiting room with a blood pressure of 214 over 90.

Pretty sure mine was higher.

They admitted my dad, and I sorted the kids, and dropped them off at family so that I could be at his side.

The doctors took him in for a CT scan and he remained somewhat conscious for the most part.

We sat in the waiting room, discussing how I couldn’t deal with death right now, and a woman who I had noticed in the corner since I arrived, and her ever so slightly ‘Milly Perkins’ sister approached my sister, my mother and I.

The universe had sent someone to help me put life into perspective.

“Hi there. I hope your dad is okay hey? God bless your family. I am waiting for my son’s results. He just slept and slept all weekend. We dunno what is wrong”.

Her son won’t wake up.

All the results for the tests came back clear.

There is no reason for him to be asleep.

But she continued, just in case I didn’t feel self absorbed enough.

And her eyes welled up.

“Sorry I seem so emotional… I don’t like September. Last year September I lost my daughter to cancer.”

And as we responded with awkward tears, she left.

“Mrs Genever… You can come through to your husband”.

 

My mother returned some minutes later… Looking almost shy…

“Die doctor wil met os almal saam praat”.

 

My father was diagnosed with Acute Nephritis back in 2005.

As a diabetic, he was not allowed to eat anything remotely fun or drink cool-drinks.

At the end of last year, he had a kidney transplant and was deemed ‘diabetes free’.

And for a man who had been deprived of all things delicious, he found himself on the wrong side  of temptation when we left him alone at home last week.

He sneakily drank a two litre Coca-Cola and by the time my mom had gotten home, the amount of sugar he had consumed had put him into a diabetic coma.

My mother assumed he was having a stroke, and instead of rushing him to hospital… packed  a lunchbox of supper for my children, and fetched them at school.

My father proceeded to have an out of body experience and walk himself down the stairs, to the car.

At this point, convinced he was about to die, he said “Phone vir Shana”..

I assume their conversation went something like this:

“Serie os moet ry. “

“Hou op vir my fokken aan jaa..”

 

My father was admitted for observation.

The next day I took the morning off to fetch him once he was discharged.

I walked in to work at 11am.

Seeing as how I am the only coloured in the building [and possibly the entire upper Milnerton, Table View and surrounds], tardiness and general stereotypes of our race hinder my growth in the company.

[I hear you, and let me emphasize that there are no coloureds in Milnerton. No, no… they only stay innie Militant. Vastly different.]

However, what we lack in BEE compliance, my boss makes up for in being a genuinely kind-hearted person.

“Morning sir. I mailed you, but thanks again for yesterday. My dad’s doing okay.”

“Great to hear, Shana! So was it a stroke?’

I hung my head in shame…

“No sir it wasn’t… he just overdosed on coke”.

……………

With any new beginnings, resolutions are inevitable.

I myself have found the last few weeks a daunting mess, and I have re-evaluated my stance on many a personal issue.

I have set myself certain goals, rules and of course limits.

But even on my strongest day, my resolution, “be less of a naai”, failed miserably, about ten seconds down my newsfeed.

“Anonymous post’, the admin declares… and in the same vein… “No negative comments”.

Brilliant.

A platform where no differing opinions will be allowed.

The definition of academic.

Let’s dive right in, shall we?:

“i like poking my husband in the bum, it makes him feel shy. it started out as me just being silly, but now i do it all the time, to the point where i feel like i didnt greet him properly if i didnt do that-worst part is, after im done poking him with my finger then i smell it, like i breath it in like its magic——-it pisses him off but i cant stop its become a habit now-it smells spicy sometimes, but i cant stop :-)/:-( help maybe”. (sic)

Sick indeed.

And this is the exact way all my ‘women’s group experiences have ended up.

Total strangers divulging their obsession with penetrating the anus of their husband, and inhaling it.

[Yes, male readers… this is what really goes down in our discussions.

Chances are if I see you in the road, I know… I know everything.]

Now, as someone with legitimate issues, I get frustrated when I am approached, directly or via social media with the type of person who feels the need to share made-up problems about ‘whether or not her sex life requires her husband to change his diet’.

But I bring this up because I think this type of attention seeking highlights exactly what is wrong with women, and why we need to stop watching Rom-Coms.

I entered most of these ladies groups for the same reasons, though.

I think that in your late 20’s, every girl who hasn’t forcibly hanged on tooth and nail to every high school friendship in the past ten years, finds herself at a crossroads where she really wants a ‘squad’.

I am 100% victim to this yearning.

I want to go to braais and suppers with people who love me, just the way I am.

I want to Skype conference call my girls, when something ridiculously fantastic happens to me.

I want to do monthly lunches with my ladies.

But then, someone oversteps a boundary and tells me about her significant other’s anus and its addictive tingle it leaves on her forefingers [Or God forbid, four fingers] and I am immediately grateful that people do not gravitate towards me.

The perks of not being a hol-smeller.

But, these ‘close’ relationships, from my observations inside and out are terribly superficial.

I am wholly convinced that we are taught as women to behave a certain way, even with our ‘girlfriends’ and wait all our lives to be old enough and disheveled enough to emulate our very own ‘Sex in the City’ remakes.

We proudly state first world problems to each other for:

  1. The social standing it brings[ that we too participate in womanly things]
  2. Fishing for compliments and acceptance.

Observe:

  • OMP my eyebrows haven’t been done please don’t judge me
  • My nails is still blue from last week. But now everyone have this colour on now I look like I copied them… make me jusssss.
  • I woke up like this… Don’t judge

Your “true friend” can know you penetrate your hubby, but not that you need bread money … and this to me is not friendship of any kind…

And this makes me cringe, as I more often than not find myself participating in the same kind of relationships with bitches.. but have recently actively decided to not be so common…..

But….

A very particular stance of mine has changed of late, and I find it big enough to share.

And I feel weird about this, though as my readers have gone along on my journey of self discovery, where else would I admit something this personal… If not to a couple of thousand people I have never met?

I would like to get married.

Not immediately, but there is a definite possibility that if I find someone tolerable enough that doesn’t want to fornicate with all my childhood friends, I am open to a pair-bond.

So, I took to Tinder to see what exactly I was missing out on.

And oh boy, have I missed being asked if I’m horny.

“Sorry babe, all my naked pics are on my ex’s memory card. Don’t think he will be releasing those to me any time soon. “

Men truly are fabulous.

And then, last night a good friend who happens to have a vagina in-boxed me a drunken: “Where you?’

I responded… and amidst the misspelling attributed to what I can only assume was a mouth full of Captain Morgan, I deciphered a distinctive…

“I dare you to come to Stargayzer.. I’m in love with you…”

[To be continued]                                 

 

I don’t have a PHD

Nobody even realizes that applications are now, open.

[Apply within.  Get it? Cos I’m spicy]

I am just Shana

I am just fertile

I am just a Hoe… With Babies